It’s been a week of, NASTY. It seems wherever I go, people are telling me about someone in their lives who has been unpleasant in CAPS, and so I would say, there is a kind of person who seems to be intent on making other people unhappy, when they are, no doubt, unhappy in a deep way, with themselves. I have re read aspects of my Diary, realizing I bent over backwards to make the person holding this diary, feel I really care, using words like Dear, when I felt the opposite, when I was really very angry, at the way I was treated and continued to be treated. This reminds me of how a dog cowers and acts obedient when it is abused, and I do not like this in me, that throughout the sending of my letters, I was so cowed, and lied about the “other” in trying to massage that huge ego. That person never let go, of that very nasty hold on me, by refusing to answer any questions about my letters, and by using silence as a kind of weapon, even as I asked, repeatedly for response. I even went to far as to say I forgive this, but no, I cannot. Why should I? Not on this “plane”, that’s plain, though I do believe, given the synchronicity in my life, that life can be experienced on many planes, and is. Maybe ultimately we all have to forgive each other for the sake of story, knowing we were not forsaken, but that comes, later. Now is Now, and the OW in now is the hurt we experience at the hands of another. If there is a learning curve, it’s not always ours.
But I allowed this, and now I feel perfectly justified in going aloud, because I have THAT evidence.
This is such a beautiful time of year, and I feel that clarity in the air opens me up to new vistas of seeing. I feel so free as the leaves rustle beneath me, and as russet and reds take my breath away. I race to get my camera and snap. But there is nothing quite like what I see with the naked eye, nothing that can compare, and I think of that Sinead O’Connor song that goes, Nothing compares/Nothing compares/ With you, and I feel it, such a rush of love, for the beauty of my surrounds and for the gift, of this, another day.
I picked up a red red maple leaf the other day, and it seemed to me, that if I were to draw the flame that is fire, drawing this leaf, with its “flame” would be how I would depict fire. And it does always occur to me, that there is this inchoate, most amazing one ness to all life. In one red maple leaf, the fire, and it is, fire. And so for me, this season, The Burning Bush, yes, THAT bush.
Keep your boundaries. Do not let go of your authentic, your loving, inner self. Let no one abuse you. If you feel this way, get out of their way, and find those who walk with you, in loving ways, and share that page, and enjoy that sharing.